‘The Hunger Games’ Bloodless, Sexless and Not Very Hungry – The Awl

byNatashaVargas-CooperandMaryHK?

Choi

MaryHKChoi:Letusmakediscussion!

FirstQ:didyoureadthe?

books?

NatashaVargas-Cooper:Ididnot!

Onprinciple!

Iwaslike,“Makeitworkforme,Lionsgate。



Mary:RIGHT。

Interesting。

Ididreadthebooks!

SecondQ:didyoureadany?

reviews?

Natasha:NO。

Mary,Iwantedtolovethis,loveitwithmywholebigheartIwantedtojoinateam,adistrict,pickateen-litboyfriend。

IDIDNONEOFTHOSETHINGS。

Qforyou!

HaveyouseenBattle?

Royale?

Mary:Ofcourse!

Racist。

Mary:HaveyoureadThe?

Lottery?

Natasha:Ofcourse!

Racist。

Mary:See,Ilikeditbutthatloglinethingisaproblem?

—?

thewholeTheLotterymeetsBattleRoyalemeetsPiggy’sglassessmashedonthefloormeetsTheRunning?

Man。

Natasha:ThismoviewasatotalUNDERACHIEVEMENT。

Mary:Right。

Wekindacan’tgoback。

We’veseenTwilight。

We’veseenPotter。

We’veseenBattleRoyale。

We’veseenRunningMan。

Whatdoesthis?

add?

Natasha:Therewerenorisks,nodaring,andmostimportantlyNOSTYLE。

Whydidthismovielooklikeshit?

Whydiditlooklikesomefaileddesigner’sportfoliofrom?

1998?

Mary:ThecostumesareoneofmyBIGGEST?

BEEFS!

Natasha:Like,youhavethemoney,finda“ProjectRunway”winnerandget?

FIERCE。

Mary:TOTALLY。

I’msorry,islikeAustinScarlettxJohnnyWeirxTheInhabitantsofFantasia(NeverendingStory)themoodboard?

here?

Natasha:PEETA’SMICHAELDOUGLASSUITATTHEEND,ALAWHAM!

Whatwastheaesthetic?

Mary:IDK!

AndwhyinthefirstscenewheretheymeetHaymitchinthetraincartaretheyallwearinglinen?

AndSOMUCHEileenFisherlater!

Sofucking?

weird。

Natasha:WoodyHarrelsonwassodope?

though。

Mary:Yes。

Great?

hair。

Natasha:IknewthemoviewasintroublewhenwesawtheTributeparadeandtheyshowedusNOTHING。

Nooutfits,nopersonalitiesofanyone,etc。

Idon’tneedtonecessarilycareaboutthechildrenwhoaremurderingchildrenbutIwouldatleastliketoknowwhattheylooklikeandwhotheyarewearingtothered?

carpet。

Mary:RIGHT。

Thatiswherethemovieisfartooreliantonthebook,thefirstpersonperspectiveandnarrative。

Natasha:ANDANDANDthere’sallthishypeaboutsponsors。

“YOUGOTTAGETYOURSEXYRIGHTFORTHESPONSORS,KATNISS。

”That’sthewholedramaticbuildandimpetusforherspecialhugwithLennyKrav。

Butbbbiiissshh,thesponsorshad,like,zerotodowiththemovie!

Theypoppedupliketwiceanditwasabunny?

fart。

Mary:Here’sthething:Ithinkitisimpossibletolikethismoviewithouthavingreadthe?

books。

Natasha:OK,sothat’saproblemandashittyprerequiste。

BOO2YOU,HUNGERGAMEFRANCHISE。

Mary:It’saHUGE?

problem。

Natasha:Also,probsthebiggestissueisInevergotthesensethatanyonewasever,like…HUNGRY!

Mary:Notfeelingtheurgencyofhungerisanother?

problem。

Natasha:And,sorry,Twilightfelturgent,fornoreason,butyouwerelike,YES,YOUTWOSHOULDFUCKBEFORETHEWORLD?

ENDS!

Mary:Right!

YOUBITEHER;YOUBE?

QUIET。

Mary:Ididn’tLOVEthismovie。

I’vereadtheentiretrilogysotherearepointswhereIcouldn’trememberwherethisbookendedandthenextonebeganbutIknewthatthisshitwouldbeTOOGODDAMNEDLONG。

Itgottired。

It’sbasicallybeingonthetreadmillandnothavingthetowelontopofhowmuchfurtheryouhaveto?

go。

Natasha:Truth!

Mary:MoreQ:didyouknowthesecondshevolunteeredshewould?

win?

Natasha:Of?

course!

Mary:That’sanotherthingthatseemsjackedtome,ifsomeonewhohadn’treadthebookknewalso(which,itisfairlyobvi)then,whatarethe?

stakes?

Natasha:See,it’slike,IknewbutIwasstilldowntolookathotboysandsexygirlskilleachotherandfeeltheintensityofthegame?

—?

NONEOFWHICHHAPPENED。

Mary:Wespentwaytoomuchtimewatchingher?

sleep。

Natasha:SLEEPINGINTREESWITHOUTBOYS?

—?

THEKATNISS?

STORY。

Mary:CAPTAINSAVEAHOE-INGWEAKLINGGIRLS?

—?

THEKATNISS?

STORY。

Natasha:WeneedtotalkaboutJ。

Law。

Iwasboredwithherhalf-frozenface?

Mary:Well,here’sthething,shortyhasaweirdfaceandIhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatedherintheX-Men?

movie。

Natasha:Whydon’tpartsofherfacemove?

Idon’tthinkshe’sveryfuntowatchorthatinteresting?

MISSU,FANNING?

SISTERS。

Mary:ThereISaweirdlygummybutdeadaspecttoher?

face。

Natasha:Like,IneededabitchtoEMOTEandpretendlikehertummywasalittle?

rumbly。

Mary:MOHUNGRY。

YouknowIdidn’tgettheimpressionthatanyoneinthatmoviewasA?

STAH。

Natasha:PRECISELY。

OK,FACE-OFF:Katnissvs?

Bella。

Mary:Bellaissuchanothingbutshedoesbirdshitwhichbecomesinteresting。

AndtherearemomentsofBella,whereK。

Stewisputtinginworkwherethatneckveincomesthrough。

Shehasaweirdintegrity,eventhoughshe’s100%aspazanddoesn’tknowwhatherfaceis?

doing。

Natasha:IknowthatBellaisplainandmadordinarybutwithKattynayitwasn’teventhecool,stoicsteezofWinter’sBone,it’slikeinsufferablyGirlScoutnobleandImeanthatinthesleepsintrees?

way。

Mary:Stoicisn’tthewaytodescribeWinter’sBoneexactlytome。

She’sfuckingpissedofftheentiretime,shegetsthatshitisunfair,thateveryoneisweakandselfishandarbitrarilyholdingpowerover?

her。

Mary:Katnissneverreallygetsmad,she’sSTANK,andannoyedandshe’sthrowingshadeandshecriesbutshe’sneverFUCKINGMADBEYONDEVERYTHINGinawaythatissustained。

It’snotthethrough-lineandIfuckingexpectedandneeded?

that。

Natasha:IsitJ。

Law’ssturdycontroloverherfaceorscript?

fault?

Mary:Idon’tthinkthedirectormadethecorrectdecisionaboutwhothismoviewasfor。

KABLAM!

Natasha:BLAM!

Canwetalkaboutthelovetriangle?

SONOTHOTincomparisontoTwi。

WHATASHITSHOW!

Mary:It’sSUCHawasteofLiamwhoyoujustwantto?

climb。

Natasha:Also,TEAM?

CATO。

Mary:Yo,that’swhatImmastartcallingscarywhitekidswhoruleatlife?

CAREERS。

Natasha:Iwantedtospendmoretimewithhimandhisgangof?

piggies。

Mary:YES。

Living。

Metoo,that’swaskindanutsthathegamedthegirlinhisowndistrictandthatscarychickfromOrphanindistrict2。

Thatwassomelionprideshit。

Thatcould’vebeen?

hot。

Natasha:ThatbrohadmarketableskillswhichIwouldhavelikerevealedtome,shirtless。

Mary:WeneededtoseeCato’sD’Angelo?

muscles。

Natasha:IntermsofPeeta,notenoughsmoldering。

Mary:MajorEasterIslandface。

OHANDICANNOTwiththatstone-facemakeupcamouflagescene。

SO?

FUNNY。

Natasha:ANDALSOBOYBANDHAIR?

LIKEAARONCARTER’97MTV?

AWARDS?

Mary:Yoooo!

BoybandCIRCAIWANTITTHATWAY。

LOLOLOLyoudidn’tjustAaronCartermeright?

now。

Natasha:GURLIAMTAKINGU?

THERE。

Mary:RememberwhenAaronCarterdatedallthewomenandbywomenImeanchildren?

Natasha:PeetaisAC2。

0,inhiscavewithhishugsand?

pouting。

Mary:Peetawasnotit。

AndIfeelbadbecauseIgetit。

Iactuallylikedthecharacterinthebook,nottotakeitbackto“SexandtheCity,”whichIalwaysdo,but,like,whatever。

Natasha:ALWAYSbringitbacktoSATC。

Thatis?

TEXT。

Mary:Butyes:heissomeAiden?

shit。

Mary:Andthat’scoolbut,like,COMEON,I’mnotreallytrynamurderwithAidenonmyteamyou?

know?

Mary:Youknowwhattho,Iwillnotlietoyour?

face。

Natasha:Giveitto?

me。

Mary:WhenRuediesandthenherdadinDistrict11(apparentlythedistrictthatispredominatelyAfrican-American)goesNUTSIwasreallyintoitbutIwantedtoSTAYTHEREIN?

11。

Natasha:Church。

Andthatscenealsomadeitsoclearhowmuchthepressureofthosewatchinginthedistrictswas?

lacking。

Mary:Yes,Iwantedtoseetheminsteadofwatchingsomeonebuildafuckinganimalontheirdesktop,likeTHATwascoolbutthetree,thefire,ANDthatzzzzzzzz。

Natasha:AndnottogettoometaaboutitBUUUUUT…IDONOTTRUSTtheseHungerGamers。

IDONOTTRUSTTHEMAT?

ALL。

Mary:Idon’tevencarewherethisisgoingbecause?

Natasha:Therewasnocheering,nogiddyjoy,nosex,nofun,just,likethisnerdishdevotiontoBLAH。

EventheHarryPotterkidsgetWIIIIILLLDDD,likeWHAT’SUNDERSNAPE’SCAPEandsoon。

Aretherefuckingmopeinstructionsinthe?

book?

Mary:Ithinkyou’reright,allthemissedopportunitiestoFLEXweresquandered,especiallysincewe’retalkingYA,whichalsomeanssomekeen-assworldbuilding。

Thelevelofhowstylizedthingswere,itwasVERYTacoBellinDemolitionMan。

Surfaceandnothingwehadn’tseen?

before。

Natasha:Like,yougotyourSTRONGFEMALECHARACTERwhoeveryoneisalwayswah-wahingabout,youhaveinsanelydarkmaterial,youhaveWoodyHarrelson,givemetheFifthElementat?

LEAST。

Mary:Wecan’ttalkFifthElement,thatshitwasGAULTIER,that’snext?

levs。

Natasha:Iknow?

but…。

Mary:DON’TBE?

CRAZY。

Natasha:Itwasall?

less。

Mary:OnethingthoughisthatIwaslike,OKFINEBULLYFORYOUSIR,isthatthelackofviolencemadethisalegitYAmovie。

Likeifyouwerefuckingwiththebooksandyouare10-years-oldyoucouldwatchthisandbelike,IFEELSATISFACTIONTHISISCLOSEENOUGHANDIGETTOSEEITWITHOUTHAVINGTOUSEMYIMAGINATIONANDTHATISCOOLSOMETIMES。

Natasha:Thereweretoomanymoments,aestheticallyandspiritually,thatfeltlikeIwaswatcha90skidaction?

movie。

Mary:Also,youknowwhat?

Someofthemovieremindedmeofbeinginproductionforanawardsshow。

Itremindedmeofbeingstuckinsomecontrol?

room…

Natasha:RemembertheopeningofBlackSwan?

Howit’sallshotfromthestageandyouhearherpatteringlittleswantoesandyoucan’tseetheaudiencebecauseofthe?

lights?

Mary:Yesandthewholetimeyouthinkbitchisgoingtohaveananeurismit’sso?

intense。

Natasha:Sointense,andme:andthatbitchwasJUSTDANCIN’。

So,whynothere?

IwishthismoviewasTHECATO?

GAMES。

Mary:IdidnothatethismovieandIactuallyhadfewexpectationsbytheendbecausethemarketingwassoslickthateventuallyIgotalittlebitofsideeyebutitwillmake2034729837492837492374dollars。

And,fortherecord,eachsubsequentbookisMUCHLESSGOODS,sowe’ll?

see。

Natasha:Dooneofthesponsorsbringcondomsorlubetotheislandsotheyffuuuuuuck?

Mary:Oh,honey。

Someoneshouldwriteafan-fic?

movie。

Natasha:HungerGames2:SEX?

ISLAND。

MaryHKChoiandNatashaVargas-CooperwillseeyouonNovember16,2012,whenvampireBellaapparentlyeatsa?